Chronologically disadvantaged
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Sorry for the hiatus. I got distracted mid-tale yesterday - Keith had brought in his new digital camera and was playing around with it, taking photos of everyone in the shop and generally making a nuisance of himself. Marxist Jim eventually snapped and threatened to "shove that m*****f***ing camera where the sun don't shine", so I had to take on my usual role as peacemaker. All good Boxing Day fun. So, where was I? Ah, yes... Part the Third: Introductions Jasper showed up in his top-of-the-range Mercedes at 8 a.m. on the dot. Thanks to our early morning activities, Lucy and I were ready and waiting. Normally the prospect of introducing my girlfriend to Jasper, the sleek epitome of Bland manhood, would fill me with dread. But thanks to Lucy's reaction to her Christmas presents (and what happened directly afterwards), I was in a good frame of mind. A festive fuck evidently does wonders for the psyche. For once, I didn't feel like a loser next to my oh-so-successful cousin. I mean, he may have the looks, the clothes and the car, but did he get his cock sucked this morning? I don't think so. What was even more gratifying was the fact that Lucy seemed immune to Jasper's charisma, despite him turning on all the charm. Me: Lucy, this is my cousin Jasper. Jas, this is Lucy. My... er... Lucy: Lover. Jasper: Oh, really? Well, pleased to meet you, Lucy. Good to see somebody's taken pity on ol' Late at last. Now, don't you go running off as well, you hear? Or I'll just have to come and fetch you back. (twinkle, beam, wink). Inner Voice: Bastard. He led Lucy down to the car, while I struggled after with the bags. He opened the car door for her. Jasper: After you. Lucy: I'd rather ride shotgun, actually. (She got in the front with Jasper; I piled in the back). Lucy: Is this a new car? Jasper: Yep. Beauty, isn't it? Top of the range. Got it at a snip as well, I know this dealer... Lucy: Bit of a penis extension, isn't it? Do you have a small cock, Jasper? I've never seen Jasper lost for words. He gaped at Lucy, who was beaming her biggest smile. Lucy: Shall we go then? Don't want to miss the mince pies and mulled wine. Inner Voice: She's wonderful, isn't she? The journey was mercifully free of incident. Jasper had obviously written Lucy off as a nutjob, so he put a CD on (the greatest hits of Santana - an aural monstrosity of the highest order) and avoided conversation. Which gave me a chance to get some shut-eye (once I managed to filter out all that horrendous twiddly guitar). We rolled into the Village of the Damned around mid-morning, turned into my parent's road. I could see that there were already four cars in their driveway - my mother's mulled wine and mince pie party was evidently in full swing. The house was swathed in tasteful white fairy lights. The leylandii winked blue, red and green at us as we walked up the drive. It had been tarmacked, I noticed. One in the eye for the Clancys. Lucy took my arm, murmured in my ear, "Wow. It's a vision in Mock Tudor." My father opened the door, letting out the smell of mince pies and cigar smoke, and the sound of Bing Crosby crooning about how much he'd like a white Christmas, just like the ones he used to know. "Jasper! Good to see you!" My father pumped Jasper's hand heartily. "Glad you could come down. Heard from the folks?" Jasper replied that they were "having a whale of a time over in the States, they send their regards." Then my father turned to me. Shook my hand formally. Me: Hi, Dad. Father: Hello, *****. My parents never call me "Late". They use the-name-that-must-not-be-revealed. Lucy looked at me in shock, then burst into hysterical laughter. She'd never heard my real name before. Lucy: Your name is *****?? Oh-my-God, no wonder you prefer "Late". My father looked at Lucy with a face like stone. His tone was icy. Father: You find that amusing? Lucy: It's fucking hilarious. Father: Well, my name also happens to be *****. (Lucy's laughter increased in volume). Father: My father was also called *****. (Lucy was bent double, heaving with mirth). Father: ***** Bland is a name that has been passed down for generations. Lucy: Oh, stop it, you're killing me. Father: *****, who is this person? Me: Dad, this is Lucy. My girlfriend. (Lucy extended a shaking hand to my father). Lucy: Pleased to meet you, *****. She collapsed into more laughter. My father turned and stalked back into the house, followed by Jasper who was staring at Lucy and shaking his head. Inner Voice: Great. Your father and your cousin think you're going out with a lunatic. Me: I am going out with a lunatic. Inner Voice: Yep. A lunatic who now knows your real name and probably won't be afraid to use it. Me: Oh bugger. And she hasn't even met my mother yet. I dragged the still-giggling Lucy inside the house. To face mulled wine, mince pies and mother.
O Come All Ye Faithful
27.12.03 22:02
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(30.12.03 11:23) That woman is bloody wonderful ..... |
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(6.1.04 18:09) seconded |